I haven’t done anything I should today.  I haven’t cleaned, picked up, or done the dishes.  No laundry, no bathrooms, haven’t even made Xavier take care of the driveway.  I should have helped Chase pack.  I should have taken care of some business.  But for one day, I didn’t do a thing.  This week has been so much of an emotional rollercoaster that arriving at today I feel totally unable to cope.

Last week our van was rear-ended for the second time.  I felt it had to be totaled, there was just so much damage.  But a call from Geico shone a bright light.  They accepted that their insured was at fault and did a computer analysis and told us they were sure they could fix our van.  Plus, they were springing for a rental van, all that without a fight.  Then, on Monday, came the word, our van was totaled.  I kind of knew that and we had already discussed the possibilities of what we would do without the van.  The decision was made that we would bank the money from the settlement and save it until Chase got back,.  I wasn’t wanting to drive a van that had that much damage and neither one of us had the time to van hunt before Chase left.  I could drive the car, we all fit, it would work.  The idea was fine and dandy when I still had a glimmer of hope that the van was fixable.  Monday, when the car became what I would have to drive, all the issues I have the car came flooding toward me.  I hate driving the car at night.  This time of year, it’s all night.  I can do it, but the car sits so much lower than the van, so all headlights shine toward my mirrors like everyone has their brights on.  Plus the headlights just aren’t as nice.  Then, there is the lack of GPS.  Yeah, my phone can still get me around, but the GPS was just so much easier to use.  However, the car is totally driveable in the dark and like I said, my phone can get me around.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to get over myself and suck it up and figure out how to get over the fact that the car isn’t my luxury van.  To get through the next ten months I was praying for a better attitude.  On Thursday the transmission on the car went out.  So thankful it happened to Chase and not me.  As I was still frustrated at having not van, the car going kaput was enough to send me over the edge straight to the nearest car dealership.  But it happened to Chase who is much calmer and rational than I, and the car will hopefully be repaired. ‘Hopefully’ because I haven’t heard from the shop yet.  Today, Steve from Geico called with the settlement.  It’s funny that our FPU class on Tuesday discussed telling people “that’s not good enough,” as we used those words with Steve several times.  I’m not out to make money off this deal, but it would be nice to get at least what our van is worth.  So now, knowing that I have to deal with settling the van and fixing the car I am overwhelmed feeling very out of my league.  But God has helped with things so far, so with His help I know I will get through it all.

I’m also an emotional basket case over the whole deployment thing.  It drives me crazy, as logically there is no reason to be so upset.  However, as I’ve learned this year, while being able to look at things logically, I am in no way a logical person.  It’s ten months.  That really isn’t a long time.  And while I do find myself knowing that Chase would do so much better at certain things than I can, taking care of vehicles for instance.  But I also know that as an adult I need to be able to do all those things myself.  Plus, God has given me wonderful neighbors who will lend a hand and wonder friends who have offered their husbands to take care of all those things husbands take care of.  I’m not worried about him.  I know we are following God’s path for us, so I know he’s in God’s hands.  Plus, let’s face it, I’m lucky, Chase is the PAO. Even when he’s itching to get out there so that he can feel like he’s really a soldier (I know he’s really a soldier, but I  also know that these men look at different jobs differently,) he won’t have the time.  Who knows, I might be facing more dangers braving drivers in Alaska than he will in the sandbox. (Not really, just trying to make a bad joke there).  The truth is that I’m spoiled to having him around.  Not just for the stuff he does, but for the person he is.  The man who makes me laugh when I really need to laugh.  The amazing father.  The best friend who builds me up.  The person who makes me a better person because he believes in me.  The one person who I can never see too much of.  The person I can spend hours talking to about everything and nothing at all.  The person I plan and dream with.  I’m crying because I’m spoiled and I don’t want to give all that up.  I’m upset that I’m so emotional because the leaving is part of what I signed up for and part of the amazing life we live.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  But, just like I don’t want to let my very nice van go, I really don’t want to let my soul mate go.

I just need to remember at the end of next year, my van will be replaced and my husband will be back and normal life will resume.  And then I need to get on and live life.   But there will be some days like today when I get too overwhelmed and I just take the day for me.  But then the next day I will get back to living.