Wow, life is a roller-coaster.  I can’t say I like it that way.  Other than in sports, I like to be unemotional.  Like the time I won $100 (and at the time that was a lot of money), the guy couldn’t believe that I didn’t whoop and holler.  I was excited, but ya know..it wasn’t like the Broncos winning the Super Bowl or anything.  However, sports are where I let it all out, in sports I enjoy the highs and the lows.  Probably because it doesn’t really mean anything.  When the Broncos have lost the Super Bowl or, gasp, didn’t even make it to the playoffs, I might have played the part of injured fan quite well, but I know there is always next season, and even if there isn’t, it doesn’t matter.  Everything else in my life matters.  Therefore, I don’t have the time or the energy to get involved in the emotional process (according to me).  I need to accept what’s happening, process it, and move on.  That’s easy to do with the good stuff, like winning $100.  But more difficult to do with the hard stuff.  Especially being a woman,crying seems to be a natural part of life.  I love Star Trek.  In my head I am 7 of 9, logical and a rock.  My heart is more Deanna Troy.  Guess which character I like better.  The thing is that I need to learn to accept who I am, and then work with that.  I am not 7.  I never will be, except in my head.  Logic will elude me on the way down.  Knowing that, I need to release logic on the way up and celebrate more as well.  If I’m gonna be over-emotional and overreact when things go wrong, I may as well have fun and celebrate when things go well.  Throw myself into the fun and do a touchdown dance for more than football.

Last night was a down.  And I, in the way that I do, overreacted.  Not to Xavier.  He needs to know that his actions were unacceptable.  But I overreacted to myself.  I beat myself up over the incident as well.  I asked myself where I had gone wrong.  What I wasn’t doing and what I needed to do started running through my head.  I envisioned renting all the Veggie Tales and Odyssey videos the library has to offer and making Xavier watch them until they stuck.  Then reading through the Bible and making him copy more and more and more verses.  Not that those things are bad, but we are already doing them in a reasonable amount and the plans running through my head last night may have been the end of us both.  But God has surrounded me with a plethora of amazing moms and women who all had much truth the speak.  Reminding me that all kids push boundaries.  It’s the nature of the fall.  We are all human parents parenting human children.  That human factor leads to sin.  On both sides.  Neither side will ever be perfect. They also reminded me that us humans aren’t the only factor.  God is in the equation as well and He is always perfect.  A friend reminded me of something I told her, as a parent I can’t do it all.   I have to trust God.  Which is easy when things are going well.  I know that God is the factor when my kids behave well.  Not that God makes my children behave badly.  But if I’m doing all I can, it’s all I can.  Only God can save my children, and only God can keep them from sin.  I just need to point them to God.  And not place the blame on myself.  My opinion of myself is too high when I think I can make perfect kids, and that’s what I’m saying when I take the responsibility when things go wrong.  So Xavier is still in the dog house, but I have let myself out of there.  And not being in the dog house is reason to celebrate, so I’m gonna go do a touch down dance.

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