So the past two weeks in PWOC we have been discussing Engaging Your Strengths.  Basically a spiritual gift/personality profile test thingy.  It lets you know what your “strengths” are.  My top 5, in order are learner, intellection, input, strategic and relator.  I would say yeah, it got me, but I would also personally swap analytic for relator.  I analyze everything, ask Chase who has to live with me. And relator implies some sort of people skill.  And while I totally recognize my need for people, I am not a people person.  That’s why I love Facebook, connecting with people through the buffer of technology.  It gives me time, in a Facebook conversation I have time to think through exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it.  I can choose my words with care to truly be able to express preciously what I mean.  And if it takes a few minutes, or even an hour, it doesn’t matter.  Face to face, the conversation has turned by the time I think out what imput I want to give, rendering it worthless as it wouldn’t be proper to redirect the conversation back.  I also don’t have to deal as personally with the consequences of what I say.  If I hurt your feelings, you can block me without any of the nasty uncomfortableness of having to continue to react to each other face to face.  If I say something you feel is out of left field, you can ignore it and forget it even happened the next time we meet.  But in person, there is still some sort of reaction.

Anyway, back to the test.  It has left me wondering now what do I do with all that.  One person after taking the test said that it told her she shouldn’t be in leadership.  I wholeheartedly disagree, but I do understand and relate.  I agree with the book that accompanied the test when it said that any strength can lead to leadership, you just have to lead with your strengths.  And the person who said that is a great leader.  Very unlike present company.  My leadership record is 0 and (I’m not gonna count, it will just get depressing, the main point being the 0).  I have run a couple of organizations into the ground, although both were headed that way without me.  I alienate people.  I’d guess it’s because I just don’t know how to properly communicate with them (especially in person).  There are many people who avoid me, and as the list is that long, I think it has more to do with me than them.  I don’t know how to motivate people.  When things stop going in my direction, I have a hard time keeping control.  So, it possible to be a leader without leading people?  I know, that’s like asking if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound.  The answer to both is no.  And I’d be fine and content not leading, just living my little life.  Except that God had made it abundantly clear that I am called to be a leader (and while I know better than to question God, I do have to wonder at His logic of creating a person as socially awkward as I and expecting her to lead).  Not just in the way that, as Christians, we are all called to lead.  We are all called to bring the gospel to the world and that is leading.  But also in a more tangible way as well, though I don’t know what that is.  Right now it’s PWOC, though I don’t know what good I’m doing (or have done) there.

So here I am, wondering what I am supposed to do with what I now know.  Over analyzing and basically contemplating my navel because I am so good at that.  And getting nowhere.  But I know that God is up there and knows exactly what He expects out of me and knows that He given the just the right strengths to do what He wants me to do.  So I will continue to seek Him knowing that someday I will be able to say “oh, now I get it.”

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