I never realized how much I would just miss Chase.  I knew I’d miss having an extra parent, a handyman, and all the things he does.  And I knew that I would miss him.  I just didn’t know how much.  I didn’t know that when everything else was going just fine, I’d simply ache for him.  And there were times I was prepared to miss him.  At church, it’s such a special thing to go to church with my husband, to worship together, to learn together and frankly to discuss the sermon while it’s happening.  I knew I’d miss him after the kids go to bed and I was all alone.  I didn’t expect to miss him at dinner, and after dinner as we all play games and relax.  I didn’t expect to miss him just because the snow was falling.  Or the sun was shining.  I didn’t expect there to be times when I wanted to simply hold his hand, or put my head on his shoulder.  I knew I’d miss him when I was lonely, or sad, or when things weren’t going quite right.  But when everything is good, possibly even great, I wasn’t prepared to feel his absence quite so much.

I mean it’s not like this is my first time on my own.  I used to keep track of how many years we’ve been married and how many years we’d been together of that.  The first time started off like this.  Everything made me miss Chase.  But I established a “new normal” and life moved on.  I was able to get excited over new adventures.  And I learned from that, make sure I have plenty to do while Chase is gone.  The next time…..well, that was deployment number 1, and that was its own story.  And it was honestly not so much about missing Chase and I forgot the lesson learned during Basic Training.  I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Anyway, after that, there have been several absences.  For abundant reasons.  I’d miss him, but life would go on.  I’ll admit I got used to him being gone.  It was time I’d get to do what I wanted.  And then when even the overnight TDY’s stopped, I didn’t know what to do with Chase all the time.  God used the that period of time to bring Chase and I closer together though.  And our marriage has just gotten better ever since.  And now we are back to the beginning.  But the thing is, I am out doing stuff.  I am living my own life.  And I am making sure I have plenty to do, and having plenty of fun.  Life is going on, but with a huge hole.

I’m actually glad that Chase and I have grown closer over the years.  I’m glad that I’m not glad he’s gone.  And if missing him like crazy is one of the by-products of being as much in love as I am, well, I’ll just deal with it.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I guess now I just have to figure out what to do with missing Chase.  Try to use it to be the best wife I can be while he’s gone.  And remember to show him how much I missed him when he comes home.

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