We are officially at the point in the deployment that I miss my husband.  Not that I haven’t missed him the whole time he’s been gone.  But this is different.  It is total, complete missing him, there is nothing I can do that I don’t miss him.

I went shopping today.  Finally getting around to going shopping with my birthday money.  So while I’m all excited about my new clothes, all I can think about is showing them off for Chase.  I hope he likes the stuff I got.  I like it.  But as I sit here in my new top and shrug, I think it would be a perfect going out outfit.  I’m planning what jewelry and make-up I’ll wear and deciding for what event I’ll wear it when Chase is home.  I’m currently leaning to a night out, maybe dinner with friends.  What I’m really thinking though is how Chase will look at me throughout that night.  That look that says “wow, she’s gorgeous.”  I like that look.  I miss that look.

The other day I bought myself new glasses.  Let me tell you how much I missed him then.  My current glasses are who-knows-how-many years old.  I talked to Chase the other night and neither one of us could remember if I’ve bought glasses the whole  time we’ve been married.  I know for a fact I haven’t bought any since before Austin was born.  In those at least six, possible more than eleven, years my glasses have become seriously scratched.  Being that I have a week and a half before I can wear contacts again, I need new glasses.  There’s an issue here though.  To see what the new glasses look like, I need to take off the glasses I’m wearing.  To see, I need my glasses.  So I need the help of a trusted advisor.  Chase is good in the role.  He is my personal sunglasses shopper and I think he’d do very well helping me pick out glasses.  He’s halfway around the world.  My kids were there.  I’m not sure if helpful would truly describe them though.   Clara wanted me to wear purple glasses, because they were purple.  Even with my poor vision I knew I’d look horrible in them.  Xavier loves green, so his only help was to tell me that he thought I should get any of the numerous green pairs.  I will say my final choice will made Austin happy, I choose blue frames, his favorite color.  But I still wish Chase wast here.  Fortunately, he will be here within the take the back and exchange them period, so if they are horrible, we’ll be able to fix it.

Then today, watching tv, I hear the song from the musical card I bought him for Valentine’s Day last year.  It made me want to dance with him.  So what did I do?  I bought it on my I-Phone so I can torture myself with it for the next few weeks, and then he’ll be home and we can dance to it.  Speaking of torturing myself with music, I need to just stop playing music until Chase comes home because it all makes me think of him.  I either want to dance, or there is a memory associated with it, or it’s one of his favorites.  There’s one song I keep playing all the time that covers the first two very well. But it’s the song I play nearly every time I start playing songs.  “Six-Pack Summer”.  As winter has finally really left the great state of Alaska, the first verse is perfect: “The winter sure was cold and miserable cooped up, shoved dow baby it was pitiful.  Anyhow it’s over now we owe it to ourselves to have a little fun.”  Yes, I love Alaska even in the winter, and I’m sure in a few months I’ll be ready for it all over again.  But currently I’m over it, so I’m feeling those lyrics.  However, by the time you get to the chorus “Sing to me babe, I’ll be your dashboard drummer.  Turn the radio up as loud as it can go.”  I’m transported to another time.  June 2001, riding around Cleveland in my new-to-me car windows rolled down with Chase at the wheel, radio blaring this song.  What makes this memory so poignant?  We got married June 2001.  It also happened to be the first summer we spent together.  School was out, normally we went our separate ways, but that summer we got married, we were finally together forever.  And being in that memory, all I want to do I grab Chase and dance and share the memory together.  By the end of the song my heart aches for missing him.  Yet, I torture myself with that song at least once a day, often more because “the winter sure was cold and miserable.”

It doesn’t help that he will be home soon, so I’m making plans and getting ready for two weeks of paradise.  Getting myself ready.  Trying to decide what would get that eye-popping “that’s my woman” look from him.  Doing some shopping to get ready.  New clothes.  The good shampoo so my hair looks like a million bucks.  Do I have the right make-up?  Irresistable-smelling body wash (and linen spray so our bed smells divine).  Making plans for a hair cut and color so I look fabulous.  Making sure I exercise regularly.  Not expecting to lose weight, but wanting to make sure I have the stamina to do whatever hiking we want to do, and trying to make sure my shape doesn’t get any more out of proportion.  Organizing, making sure cabinets and closets have all that they need so we lack nothing while he is here.  Constantly asking myself, what would Chase like?  That doesn’t make me miss him less, that’s for sure.

But above and beyond all those things, I miss him no matter what I’m doing. When putting on moisturizer on in the dark getting ready for bed, I remember how that’s how I do it at times when Chase is home. Because he’s already laying down for bed and I don’t want to turn on a light and disturb him.  Then I want to be able to look over at him lying in the bed and say something, or do something to get his attention.  But he’s not there.  Folding clothes I can picture him helping me, and I think of what I’d do if he was there.  As I’m finishing getting the kids ready for church I can almost see him at the sink taking care of the breakfast dishes, and I want to flash him a smile and let him know that I appreciate him.  Watching tv, I think of the analysis I’d be giving him.  At the store, I see movies I think he’d like and I imagine watching them with him.

I just really miss my husband.  And it’s hard right now.  But I’m grateful that it’s that hard.  I’m grateful that we have the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of love, not the “out of sight, out of mind” kind of love.  I’m thankful that I’m married to my best friend.  I’m thankful that I just can’t seem to get enough of my husband.  And I hope that a year from now, when I’m starting to get used to him being back I remember just how much I missed him today and I appreciate him all the more for it.

 

Lyrics from “Six Pack Summer.”  Phil Vassar.  Phil Vassar: Greatest Hits, Vol. 1, 2006 BMG

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