Note: I’ve held on to this one for a few days.  The feelings were still to raw to publish right away, but I think I’m ready now.  There are three entries in this set and are probably best read in order.  This is the first, June 3, 2012 and June 4, 2012 follow.

 

There is very much a reason that I watch tv to fall asleep when Chase is gone.  When the tv’s on, my brain is off.  When the tv’s off, my brain just won’t quit thinking.  Normally it’s totally random stuff that is annoying: mentally writing shopping lists, planning the next weeks menu, thinking about bills to pay.  Occasionally it’s fun stuff: good memories, writing mental stories. Although in the long run, I’m still annoyed because I can’t sleep.  This week has been different.  At some point the irrational thought crept into my head that Chase would not make it through the deployment.  I have no reason to think this.  Okay, I’ll admit that after being plagued by this thought I can’t squash, something did happen that isn’t helping matters at all.  There was an attack.  My husband is okay.  But there was still an attack.

Our last deployment was Kuwait.  That’s not the same.  So I am totally unprepared to deal with the whole he’s actually in a dangerous situation deal.

I was pretty okay when I first heard.  The eArmy message was wonderful.  From hearing it, I knew there were no soldier deaths.  I could also deduce that because I got a call from the FRG and had not been contacted by casualty assistance that Chase was not severely injured.  I saw the story hit Facebook and realized that while I could read the news with confidence that Chase was okay, other family members might not have the reassurances that I had.  To pre-empt worry, I called around to assure family members not to worry if they saw the story on tv or read it on the internet.  Chase was okay.  I didn’t know how okay, yet, but at the very least not injured enough to worry about.

But at some point, I began to think about how Chase might be feeling after all that.  And how the other soldiers might be feeling.  How scary it must be to deal with that.  That while it was happening, they didn’t know the outcome like I did.  I read the story and knew how long it took, how many insurgents there were, and that no soldiers lost their lives.  But the guys over there lived it, now knowing if more insurgents were coming.  Not knowing how long it would last.  And not knowing if they and their fellow soldiers would make it.  I’ve always known I’d never make it as a soldier.  But thinking about what they went through, I am even more convinced that Uncle Sam does not want me.  And I am even more thankful for all the men and women who do have what it takes to be soldiers.  I’m gonna admit, I haven’t really been okay since I started thinking about that.  In general, not so much worried, but overwhelmed by what war really means.  I’ll admit to purposely not thinking about it before now.  There’s a reason I stopped reading Gods and Generals just a few pages in.  Now I can’t stop thinking about it.

However, at odd times that little nagging voice shows up.  I’ll admit for the most part the voice ticks me off more than it worries me.  I trust that God holds my husband in His hands.  If God wants Chase to come home to me, he’ll come home.  I also know that if God’s plan isn’t my plan, He’ll take care of that too.  And no amount of my worrying will change the outcome either way.  I’m counting on Chase coming home.  And just in case he’s not, I’ve got a plan that we have decided upon together.  Don’t want to use that plan, but at least it’s there in case I need it.  And that’s that.  But the voice.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I’ve prayed, giving my husband’s safety to God knowing that’s about as much as I can do about it.  I’ve prayed, asking God to take the voice away.  But it keeps coming back.

So why am I awake at 3 am?  1) I watched Anne of Green Gables.  Who knew it was a four hour long movie?  I didn’t.  And while I fall asleep to tv regularly, I can’t fall asleep to Anne of Green Gables.  It must be watched through until Anne and Gilbert are walking toward Green Gables after Gilbert has given up the Avonlea school for Anne and they have made up after years of pride getting in the way.  2) After watching Anne of Green Gables it seemed wrong to turn on something else.  I hoped it was so late that I would be able to fall asleep quickly with thoughts of Anne and Gilbert dancing through my head.  3) Thoughts of Anne and Gilbert did fill my head.  Have you seen the third movie in the series?  It’s now on my banned during deployment list.  Gilbert and Anne go to war.  Thoughts of that movie were filling my head.  4) Okay, this one’s a little superstitious.  Austin had a nightmare last week.  Turns out it was during the exact time that the attack happened.  One of my children let out a shriek in their sleep tonight.  I know there is no connection.  But well, I’ll admit to being superstitious.  So now I’m up at 3 am, writing, hoping that getting it out will truly get it out of my head.  And getting ready to turn on the tv and turn off my brain.

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