Note:  Held onto the post for a few days.  Read June 2, 2012 first to understand what is going on.  This story finishes on June 4, 2012

 

So last night I let myself cry.  I hate crying.  It shows a loss of control and I like control.  However, it was the middle of the night, no one was around.  I thought if I let it out then, it would keep the tears from showing their presence at a less private moment.  You know relieve some pressure on the dam to make sure it will hold up when needed.  Yeah, no.  That’s not what happened.  I seem to have broken the dam.  I feel like I’ve spent the day crying.

I’m not worried about Chase.  I’m really not.  The voice inside my head that sounds like worry, that’s not me. While it sounds like worry, it just makes me mad that I’m thinking it, it doesn’t make me worried.  Even with all the crying I’ve done today, I can say with assurance I’m not worried.  I have complete peace about my husband’s safety.

I do miss Chase.  I’m going to come right out and complain.  It sucks that our church is doing a sermon series on sex right now because it makes me miss him even more.  And today Rod talked about how during times of real trouble and grief a spouse can bring comfort.  And I know Chase would be a comfort to me right now.  Just to be held by him would be really very nice at the moment.  Although if he were here to hold me, I might not be in need of the comfort.

I guess the heart of the matter is that I am facing head on the reality of war.  Okay, I know I’m not there.  And I’m gonna tell you right now, the Army and I are better off for it.  My husband is the one you want over there.  He’s the kind of guy who can take charge and get ‘er done no matter the circumstances.  Me, I can get it done, but it won’t be pretty, in fact it will be pretty messy.  I’m easily overwhelmed, easily flustered, and in no way, shape, or form do I ever take charge well.  I am so not a people person.  Anyway, while I’m not over there, I have a pretty good emotional imagination.  It’s why I cry at every dang-blasted movie.  I sobbed during Armageddon.  It’s also why I avoid lots of things.  I still haven’t seen The Passion.  I can get a clear picture just thinking about it; to watch it in a movie, I’d be an emotional wreck.  It’s why don’t watch anything even remotely dealing with war right now.  I don’t want to think about it, because thinking about such things isn’t just an intellectual process for me.  It’s an emotional process as well.  I can’t help but put myself in the shoes of the people over there.  And I guess it’s a good thing, as it gives empathy.  But it’s hard, and it hurts, and I don’t like it.  Never been a big fan of pain.

Alright, I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now.  Forgive me, I’ve been crying all day, and trying to come to terms with why I’ve been crying, and I’m a mess,and my brain’s a jumble, and I’m just trying to figure things out.  So I’ll re-cap.  I’m not worried.  I miss Chase.  War, when you think about it is messy and painful, and in truth worth crying over.

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