After hanging up the phone talking to my husband tonight I burst into tears.  Not for the reason you might imagine.  They were tears of relief.

For the past month or so, I’ve been wrestling with a question of priorities.  I have limited time and energy to devote to everything.  I tell people all the time not to over-commit themselves, and pride myself on schedule with tons of “margin.”  “Margin” relates to wiggle room to do what God might be calling you to do.  Plenty of unscheduled time to focus on the important stuff like relationships and family.  Normally, I guard my schedule like a Doberman, nothing gets in.  However, as I looked at the upcoming fall, there are so many good things that I want to be a part of.  Without anything even starting, I was becoming stressed trying to get a schedule ready that would make it all work.  I knew I’d need to give up somethings, but felt guilty over it.  I felt like I still needed to do it all.

I haven’t told a soul, other than my personal journal about it.  I didn’t know who to talk to.  I didn’t want to bother my husband having to deal with being deployed and all the stuff that entails.  And I just couldn’t think of which friend to confide in.  So I was keeping it all in.

That is until tonight.  I don’t know what prompted me, other than the uncertainty bubbling inside me.  I guess I was just at a breaking point when I asked my husband if he was okay with me giving up one of the activities I wanted to give up.  The question just blurted from my mouth.  After that came a flood of I don’t think I can handle this either.  All the stress and worry came flowing out over the phone tonight.

My husband was understanding and listened, and agreed that I should refrain from over-committing myself.  We didn’t have long to talk, and I feel bad that I took up the whole time with my issues.  But I feel so much better now.  I feel a major sense of relief, having confessed my stress, and my solution to relieve that stress.  I no longer feel guilty about saying no to “good” things.  I feel empowered to make decisions that protect the time of me and my family.  I felt relief, so much so that I had to cry to release the rest of the tension that had been building.

This leaves me anxious for my husband’s return so that talks like this can become commonplace.  When we can discuss at length anything on our mind on a daily basis.  I’m so thankful for a husband who is thoughtful and understanding and I can bounce things off of.  I can’t wait to have him back.  It also leaves me thinking that I need to work on developing relationships with other people who can help me with this stuff.  It doesn’t hurt having multiple counselors, especially when the career of my main counselor takes him out of communication range every once in a while.

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