It’s been a while since I’ve written.  Some days I’ve just been too busy and have had to decide on what my priorities are, and writing didn’t make the cut.  Some days, I just haven’t known what to write.  And other days…I’ll get to those days.

It’s funny.  I came to Alaska expecting adventure, and knowing that this state would change me.  I thought I’d become more adventurous, or something that Alaska would bring to the table.  At the halfway point of being here, I realize that Alaska was the catalyst for change simply because I chose it to be.  This change could have happened at other duty stations, but I wasn’t looking for change.  Here, just because it was Alaska, and to me Alaska meant romance, adventure, and excitement, it is the Last Frontier after all (not to be confused with the Final Frontier), I was open to whatever God had in store.  I thought it might be about seeing amazing things, which I have, although it’s only been a fraction of what this state has to offer (and a small fraction at that).  I thought it would be dealing with moose walking down my street.  That has happened as well, and it’s particularly adventurous when my children were walking down the street at the same time.  Or the time when Xavier saw the moose through the window and dove under the couch as to not meet her eye and cause her to charge.  I never thought the adventure would be learning to understand myself.

I guess I also have this deployment to thank for my adventure.  Having done the last deployment so horrificly, I was ready to be introspective this time around to root out the internal causes of that debacle.  I’ll admit, I was so not ready for what I found.

So instead of glacier hiking, my current adventure is admitting I’ve got some major internal junk that has been keeping me from being the person God created me to be.  Learning to identify it and asking God to help me remove or overcome it.  While there is time to go glacier hiking before I leave, so I’m not going to count out that activity, this adventure, while much more challenging, will be much more rewarding.  I can see now that I’ve let a fear of failure keep me from ever really trying things I’ve thought there might be a chance that I’ll fail.  I can see that in times I could have led, I’ve let fear of doing the wrong thing keep me from doing anything.  I can see that I feel so undeserving of compliments that I don’t trust the people who give them, I look for an ulterior motive.  Worst of all, I can see how I’ve let all that affect my husband and children.  But I do see it now, and now I am going to let all that stop running my life and ruining my relationships.

So I haven’t written in a while because I’ve let myself say this blog is supposed to be about Alaska, or military life, or even just being a mom, but not me dealing with my junk.  And yeah, with the wind storms rivaling tropical storms, and the rain coming down in massive amounts, there is Alaska stuff going on.  The deployment is nearly over, and we are now waiting to find out where our next duty station will be having learned we won’t be able to extend in Alaska, so there is military stuff.  But that stuff is small compared to going from a person afraid of everything to a person who may just have some confidence someday.  It’s nothing compared to realizing that my children are just mini versions of me, and changing me so that I can try to change their future.  It’s unimportant compared to learning to respect my husband by believing him when he compliments me, and not letting fear get in the way of our relationship, and so much more.

Today, I decided this is my blog, and I make the rules, so I will write whatever I want to.  So today, I wanted to write about the new adventure in town, becoming a more whole person.

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