All my crazy fears about redeployment were that, crazy.  Everything since I picked Chase up Saturday morning has been wonderful.  We’ve been so relaxed, and happy, and in love.  I could go on and on, but I’m sure you don’t really want to hear me gush over how much I love my husband and how happy I am that he’s home.  I do tell him though.

I think a lot of it is that I’m different.  Chase is different too, but I am very aware of how I’m changing, for the better.  Like yesterday, when Chase was out doing outside work.  I wanted to be out there with him.  I wanted to work alongside him.  And I wanted to have all that stuff done in the past so that he didn’t have to do it.  First, I can’t change the past, so worrying about it wouldn’t matter one bit.  Second, I made myself relax, telling myself that while Chase was gone I was doing the best I could taking care of myself and my kids.  The stuff I didn’t do…well, it was okay that I didn’t do it.  Chase wasn’t complaining that it wasn’t done, he was just doing what he does. Taking care of things. Third,  I would have been outside more, but my back hasn’t yet completely healed, and yesterday was a really, really bad back day.  So I stayed inside and rested my aching back a lot.  And that was okay.  I was doing what needed to be done.  In the past I would have let all that guilt consume me, and I would have transferred my feelings to Chase.  In my head, me being upset with me would lead to Chase must be upset with me.  But this time I stopped myself.  I told myself that if Chase was upset with something, he’s a big boy, he can tell me.  So until he tells me, I will not assume he has bad feelings.  This enabled me to treat him like he’s a wonderful provider and love on him for what he did, instead of trying to manage a fight Chase never signed up for.  In fact, I’m working to let go of all preconceived notions, or things that others have told me, and only listen to Chase when it comes to our relationship and our marriage.  If he hasn’t stated his feelings about something, I’m not gonna assume I know how he feels.  I will let him speak for himself.

I’ve also stopped second-guessing myself over everything.  This kinda ties to letting Chase speak for himself.  I don’t have to try to figure out in my mind what he wants.  I already know what he’s already said, and if something is new territory, we will find out together.  So now I speak and act for me, and let him make his own decisions instead of me trying to figure it all out myself before speaking or acting.  It’s funny, I think God must have made us for each other.  My natural instincts tend to be what he wants.  In the past I have denied us both that because I’ve talked myself out it.

I’m happier and more relaxed that I’ve ever been, and I think Chase is too.

Advertisements